"Don't be so quick to judge me, you only see what i choose to show...."

2012-02-13T08:46:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling so helpless.

This is just so heart breaking. It's ripping my heart apart.

This is so sudden and a million things is running through my mind.

I hope I'd get to visit you tomorrow.

I love you.

Please. Get well soon.

Please ='(

I might delete this anyways.

2012-02-08T00:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just don't know what to think anymore. I wish I was numb. I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish people would stop for a second and remember that I am a human being. I have feelings... She acts like she's the only one with responsibilities and debts to settle. Alright, I might not have my own house or car. But I do have debts to settle. You're not the only one who needs to use a lot of cash. If I don't need extra cash to pay up all of this shit, I wouldn't be working my ass off?! Do you think I work for pleasure at the end of the day? So I could use all the money to shop and be the most happiest girl in the world? Alright, maybe just for a few minutes when I look at the amount I'm given for my hard work.. But there's always a "behind the scenes" right?

It's easy for you to speak the words.. "You pay for me first, I'll pay you back at the end of the month once I get my pay.." It's not that I'm so selfish. I'm fine if you wanna borrow me 50$? Or maybe slightly more. But what you're asking is way way way too much. 58 + expenses during the trip + a shirt from the trip + I bet you need money to spend on your daily routine. I do not earn 2-3k to cater your needs. Even if I had spare money to spare, seriously, it's annoying when it becomes a habit to you. I am not one of the guys (or shall I say your "brother") who gives you allowance every month. To be honest, I have nothing against it. Did you even know spending $10 for the fucking ez link card is like throwing $100 on the streets? Did you know I am often left with only 10%-5% of my pay just the day after I get it? Do you even care about my personal debts that I have to pay? You're so much older, how can it not cross your mind? You know very well that nothing is free and we need money on daily basis. Sometimes, even more than what we expect but why do you treat it as if I do not go through all of those shits?

"A promise is a promise.." you quoted. Well hey, as far as I remember, I did not promise any bullshit. I said "god willing." Wait, do you even know what that means? Clearly not. It hurts hearing the words that come out from your mouth. There is no fucking at of end the fucking month. Go fuck the promise yourself. You barely know who I am, we know each other for less than 6 month. I'm surprised how the words can easily escape from your mouth.

I'M SO TIRED. I'M SO DRAINED OUT.

I'M TIRED OF PLEASING PEOPLE. I'M TIRED OF ALL THE SHITS.

I'M SO CLOSE TO GIVING UP.

I feel like I've lost all my strength. I'm tired of acting all happy when I know I'm not.

It hurts like fuck. All I did was disappoint myself. I thought being "happy" could make me really happy but I guess my system didn't approve of it. I don't want to do this anymore.

Maybe I have given up... :'(

I shall sleep with a smile on my face tonight.

2011-12-29T00:41:00.000-08:00

Did a little catch up with my dearest cousin despite the clashing working schedules. Genting Highlands with my lovely girls. J flew off to US, leaving us back in SG :( Haha! Celebrated her birthday in advance (Could have surprised her better! Tsk!) Short getaway to JB to attend some wedding function during the weekends plus! Mini celebration of ♥M birthday! JB with Zaty a few hours ago... Not forgetting, I finally manage to get a job! Yipee! To be honest, I am pretty much in love with 2011. Though I had some downfalls etc, Alhamdullilah, I managed to pull through it all. I never knew that I would enjoy 2011, but I actually did. Bonding with my loved ones is just simply amazing. It showed me the brighter side of life. I kinda regretted keeping myself from the outside world for years when I can be doing all of this and enjoy the hell out of my life. Ehem, haha! I am looking forward to what's coming next. Really hope that it will all be good♥

Can't wait for New Year's Eve! Celebrating it with my favorite girls! Resolutions? Let it come by itself along the way, wouldn't want to be disappointed if I didn't fulfill it. For those you think 2011 is horrible, look on the brighter side and the positive things that happened. Prolly you forgot to look over the greener side cause you're too busy looking at the negativity. Happy New Years everyone! ♥♥♥!

2011-12-02T00:12:00.000-08:00

"Take a breath, I pull myself together

Just another stair until I reach the door

You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you

I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away"

I am constantly finding answers to questions that's accumulating inside my brain by day. I admit, I am taking it for granted. I knew I was running out of time to make decisions but I choose to let it pass and keep telling myself "there's always tomorrow" For that I should really stop procrastinating. I was hoping for something, a sign.. Just something to show me what I should choose. But at the same time, I am afraid.. I shiver at those thoughts.. Why can't future plans be as easy as ABC? Or to the very least like a simple math problem.. I seriously wonder how people actually make decisions regarding their future career life. How do they cope with it if they were to feel no passion after undergoing the course but have no choice but to go with the flow.. I have less than a month to choose. I am in so much stress that I feel like I'm gonna burst any minute of my life. PMS-ing on small little things.. But I thank god for letting me breath and laugh my stress off my shoulder till this day. Alhamdullilah.. Being able to witness the beauty of HIS creation is something I feel honored doing. If that make sense, which I highly doubt so. &yes, I am fully aware that I should seriously stop whining and complaining about small little things.

On a brighter note, I am blessed to have true friends by my side.. Not forgetting my family members. They who constantly makes my day without fail. They never fail to put a smile on my face every single day.. I don't know what I'll become without them. I'm guessing if they're not in my life, I'm just a walking PMS asshole.. Ha! These people gives me faith in myself, they lighten my life, they're my pillar of strength. They keep me going. They keep me strong♥♥♥

I guess, I should go to sleep now. Morning shift tomorrow, and let tomorrow be a better day.

Goodnight beautiful souls, xoxo.

;)

2011-11-20T04:56:00.001-08:00

Genting was awesome with the girls.. Nothing can go wrong if they're around. So blessed to have them in my life. Wished we could stay longer but reality is waiting for us back in sg.

So work's good so far. Working mates are fine, just need time to adapt to everything. I've yet to meet a few other and it's nerve wrecking. Never liked changes but i've got no choice, do i? Work's tiring today, i literally slept on the sofa when i got home! That's how tired i am! Phew... Will knock out early as i can! gotta work tomorrow. Have a lovely week loves!

Cold night

2011-11-13T09:33:00.001-08:00

Bored in bed.. My eyes are somehow still fresh and i don't think it's gonna give in soon.. Really hope i'll be able to wakeup to answer ailing's call in the morning.. Anyways, lots of luck for your test darling! Make ur parents and us proud! We know you can do it:) oh and i can't wait to go to the trip with my girls to genting! Virgin trip together and i can already imagine all the fun we're gonna hv there<3! Counting down to the days!!!!

On a random note, so cool that you can blog through your phone.. The more reasons to blog at this space of mine.. Though i usually speak my thoughts out loud here most of the time, i'm guessing a new change will be nice.. Don't wanna be seen as a depressed person! Haha..

Off today. Will try do something productive.. The dirty laundry is piling up like mad! So hectic! Anyways, goodnight loves.. Smile always xoxo

They who matter the most.

2011-10-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

♥♥♥

2011-10-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

1. Need a fucking job ASAP!

2. I'm getting tired of myself/life.

3. I hate feeling useless.

4. Mentally killing people who make me feel like shit when they ask certain questions.

5. I want to laugh like a mad woman like there's no tomorrow.

5. I need a break from myself.

6. To decide what course I wanna take up next year.

7. In. Need. Of. Holidays.

8. Soul searching.

9. To actually lose some weight.

10. Start praying 5 times a day.

Basically I feel like crap whenever I wake up every morning. I need it to go away.

I want to be happy and carefree like how I used to be a year ago.

Everything is pushing my down to the ground.

I'm suffocating.

And there's no one to blame except for myself.

What I have done to my life?

:'(

I'm sorry, I keep disappointing you.

2011-10-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

I often feel like I'm lost in my own world. Walking on the surface of Earth trying to find my purpose of life. I am far too lost, everything is a mess. I can't think straight, I can't decide. I am afraid to take a step forward. Sometimes I don't even understand myself, I feel like I'm a stranger to my own self. I used to smile and go along with everything but I can feel that everything is different now. I often fall to the ground and struggle to get back up on my two feet. All the strength I have disappeared into thin air.. I'm constantly gasping for air one minute but feeling numb the next minute. What have I done to deserve this? Dear God, please help me. Give me strength to go through every second of my life. Show me to the right path..

I don't know who I am anymore..

2011-09-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

No matter how strong you are, no matter how many times you keep telling everyone you're doing fine, at the end of the day you just can't lie to yourself. Every time I have to lie, my heart feels crushed and I wish the person could see right through me.. See all the pain that is actually hidden behind every smile and laughter of mine. I learned to be strong so that I could have the strength push and hide everything from everyones naked eyes but I've never learned to be strong enough to tell someone close about what's killing me deep inside. I often am on the verge of breaking down and the saddest part is that I don't know how to fight it. I used to just chuck all my problems to a side and right now, it feels like it's catching back up to me. I wish I had someone to be by my side and tell me that everything is okay during my lowest point. I envy those who does... Those who have someone special in their heart who would always be there to comfort you without getting bored of it.

This week have been a real challenge to me, I'm mentally and physically drained. It's fucking depressing. I'm so tired of it but there's nothing that could be done for it to be better. I have to sacrifice for everyone else, but does anyone sacrifice for me? Have they? Sigh....... On the other hand, G is seriously getting on my nerves. I don't want to be a defiant grand daughter but she order people around without thinking of the person feelings. She repeats and nags the same thing over and over again. If you fight back, you're in deep shit. I feel so helpless. If I'm useless and unwanted, what am I even doing here? I wish I'm a person with no feelings so I could do this with lots of strength. And I shall keep wishing..

2011-07-04T23:41:00.000-07:00

It's hurting more and more, I can't stand it and I hate it.

It's such a mess and broken.

blabbering

2011-06-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

Super 8 you better be superb like how everyone else described you as. So bored, and I hope I won't be late later hehe or else, karma karma karma. For once, I feel so ladylike hehe! But I'm kinda nervous to step out of the house. Please Please no stares, I know I'm not pretty but just let me express myself today that would really help ALOT. On a brighter note, I can't wait to eat at QiJi. All these while, it's been so near yet so far. Thanks to the stupid 30mins break..

Btw I'm so sad that I'm gonna miss Nora Elena later :(

-cries a river-

2011-06-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I'm feeling pretty content with my life but whenever I'm alone or just staring blankly, my thoughts run wild. Have I ever mention my mind over think and it has a very wild imagination. I hate everything about that. Over thinking sometimes just drag my mood down.. And boy, it goes down fast. Whenever I smile or laugh, I actually do mean it.. I'm quite happy with everything except for the jobless part. My family's in a good term, I get things I want (not all the time though), I have people that will always stand by my side etc... But I just don't understand why I always have the urge to breakdown, like I'm feeling right now. I wish I know why this emotion is haunting me down. I don't understand it's logic. Sometimes, I feel like I'm crazy. I wish to wake up in the morning with a smile and smile throughout the day but I gotta be a lil realistic, yes? O, and it sucks a lot cause I'm so so bad at expressing my feelings through words. I wish my mind's like a dictionary. Knowing every word and it's meaning so that I'll be able to express better but me and my lazy self(forever lazy) oh you know what I mean. Mhmm, maybe I'll just weep and hope it will all go away. So need a person to hug right now and tell me that everything's gonna be fine... Sigh, you people with a partner is so lucky :') Anyways, goodnight lovelies♥

2011-04-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

"Instead of always trying to fix something that’s broken, maybe it’s time to try starting over and creating something better."

I'm feeling pretty happy with my life right now. Have been socializing and spending lots of time with people who can really make me laugh till my tummy hurts. It feels really nice laughing like there's no tomorrow. Like everything else doesn't matter. But then, it's just temporary. So right now, I'm really hoping I won't go back to the old "depressed" person for a short period of time. I miss shopping! Retail therapy has always been the best cure for everything hehe but alright, I got to admit, after that, you'd feel a lil annoyed when you start getting broke. Oh Mummy, find me a rich husband! I'm hungry so I'm gonna find something to fill me round tummy hehe, xoxo.

2011-04-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

I think, I no longer have the strength to hold on to it anymore.

Everything makes me feel worse every time and I'm getting out of control.

:'(

2011-03-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

People always say, stand up for what's right. But it totally sucks when you can't do it to someone more elderly. Seriously, sometimes they just gotta admit their mistake. Just because they're older, doesn't mean everything they say is right. And what's wrong with stating the fact with them? It's just so frustrating. At that point of time, I wish I had a vehicle and just go somewhere to clear my mind. Things like this just gets to me so badly. Especially when it's about G. So annoying!!!!

2011-03-25T13:40:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of caring too much, because most of time, people just don't give a fuck anyway.

So why bother?

2011-03-22T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'll miss you so much long hair :'(

All I ask for is to grow fast and that will seriously help a lot. I'm still having mixed feelings about the new hairstyle but whatever it is, I gotta work it. Really hope I won't regret it so much till I hate it though-cross fingers-

Oh, and imagine fats can be cut off easily just like hair. How cool is that huh! For now, my main aim is to get a job asap and fats off me! I've seriously given up on skin, it's so frustrating. It's getting darn sensitive. Alright, I know it's my fault. Using lots of products one after another and trying new things every time I found out some cool things to help it get better. But look at what I end up with. Sucks so badly, I've gotten so many black spots(pimple scars, I think) even on my neck! Geeez! I was so pissed off when I found 5 on it. Seriously, why can't there just be one fucking brand suitable for every fucking body in the whole wide world. That's so awesome. Won't need to go through so much hassles.

Alright, for now, I wanna watch something to get this hair issue out of my mind :)

2011-03-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

Lazy Saturday. I feel like I'm already 80 years old. My throat's sore. Body's aching and I need to stop being on the computer for long hours because it's giving me headaches. I need a new hobby. Though I like to read, it sometimes bore me. Have you ever been in a situation where you need to be in a mood to do something for it to be done? I wish I don't get those feelings. It always kills my plans to do things. O, and scientist should really make a magical potion which makes your laziness go away.... Being lazy is such a horrible feeling right now.. Got so many things to do. Finding for a job, survey things, catch up with ZE friends. Right now, I wish I have 3 wishes from a genie. Sometimes I wish I can change bodies with someone who is successful with what I like to be successful in too. Hope that make sense though. Mhmm, oh god, please give me some strength and lead me through the path I'm supposed to be in.

I wish jobs find people, if only. -rolls eyes-

Get It Right.

2011-03-18T00:59:00.000-07:00

Love this scene♥

What have I done? I wish I could
Away from this ship goin’ under
Just tryin’ to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish
Yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

What I'm feeling, I shall stay strong and start picking up myself back up.Yes, you can do it, S.&I shall sleep now, goodnight world.:)

I don't want to feel anything!

2011-03-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

"When some girls cry, it’s not over just one thing, it’s built up anger and tears that they've been holding in for so long. They try to put a smile on their face everyday so that no one will see the hurt they’re really feeling. Sometimes, the girls that seem the happiest are the one’s breaking down inside."

I hate to admit that I'm getting weaker each day, I break down easily. I don't feel as cheerful like I used too. I'm too tired of hiding everything, I'm too tired of being positive all the time cause every inch of me feel like crap. I can no longer face myself in the mirror cause I hate the sight of it. Everything is just frustrating! Yet there is just no one to blame, but yourself. It just feels so depressing. Sometimes I feel like, I don't have enough strength to be strong anymore. I just want to disappear into thin air! Or be a bird and fly free to wherever.

I hate all of this fucking bullshit I have to go through! Ergh!!

2011-02-13T19:10:00.000-08:00

1. Get a job, asap.

2. Wake up early, sleep early.

3. Drink lots of plain water.

4. Lose 20 fucking kilos.

5. Be more organized.

6. Pray 5 times a day.

7. Make my room pretty.

8. Jog, jog jog! Exercise, exercise, exercise!!

9. Socialize more

etc etc etc etc

I feel like I don't have a life. I miss laughing till my stomach hurts.

Where is everybody? :(

because this is taking over me, and i don't know if i am strong enough to go through it anymore. it's killing me and i think i might fall so hard.

2011-02-10T21:42:00.000-08:00

"I know I'm strong enough, have a little faith in yourself", but my other thoughts were too loud and fast for me to adsorb that sentence. My heart aches with every breathe I take.. And then, I wonder, how long more must I torture myself with all of these bullshits? Why must I still dwell on the past? On that very moment, it felt like someone's blocking my windpipe and cheeks are getting wet. Why won't all of this go away, why?!

At times, it feels like the whole world knows about it and laughing, shouting hurtful words they can think of in my face. And it just feels like a punch in the face. I want to fade, fade into thin air because it's just driving me crazy and I just don't know if I can take it anymore.......

Will this ever go away? Will it?

I feel like the sky just dropped on me.

2011-02-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Espritvolage,

Though there aren't any problems physically but something deep inside is eating me up and it hurts. I feel like a loser! So weak, fragile, sensitive etc and I feel like I might break any second. I tried to push all the negativity away, but who I am fucking? I'm lying to my own self hoping to feel better but it always gets the best of me. I hate to think too much but my mind choose to run 1000km/hour, literally... Can you please let go of all these stupid thoughts, dear mind? & dear heart, will you please stop adding salt to my wound?

I seriously feel like I'm running out of time, should I just try that job or not etc... Decisions decisions, decisions... I hate em. Why can't someone choose them for me? I hate the fact that I'm getting older each year. Being 20 isn't cool. I haven't been productive since last year and I really hope this year, I'll be more productive and achieve something I'm gonna be very proud of. God Willing. Please be nice, 2011.

I need laughing sessions and laugh like there's no tomorrow. Mhmm....

On a brighter note, Happy 29th Birthday Abg Yazid♥

Wishing I had strength to stand, This is not what I had planned, It's out of my control....

2010-12-29T23:45:00.000-08:00

I just need more time to think. Time is running out and my mind is driving me crazy.. It has gotten me and I'm losing this battle. I need strength and I never thought that it's gonna be this hard. Seriously, how do people do it? It's almost like a life and death situation. It's so threatening but you're being forced to go forward or else you're dead. But every single step you take, you just keep getting weaker and weaker.... You just don't know yourself anymore. Drowned by your own thoughts and start to push things away from your life. Everytime you open your eyes to a new day, you feel so souless. So empty, so lonely and all you want to do is cry a river. Desperately finding for someone who understands you, hug you and tell you that everything's gonna be alright. Hold your hand and guide you through the nightmare that's haunting you for years. Sadly reality is, everyone's busy with their own lives, they don't notice the sadness and pain you're going through. Everytime you have the fucking courage you've been building your whole life, the courage to reach out to them and tell everything that's killing you to shove it off your chest, they just... dont give a damn and take it so lightly. They think it's a teenager thing that will go away sooner or later but by that, they don't know that they've just killed you. The feeling's the same as burying you alive. No matter how strong you try to be, nothing last forever. Right now, I wish I could hug you,M. It hurts so freaking much :'(

The thing that keeps your feet on the ground is the responsibility placed on your shoulders.

2010-12-15T00:42:00.000-08:00

Every part of my body feels like it's gonna die on me. Daddy, I need the massage so bad, please. I'm physically and mentally tired. I feel like giving up and just leave everything behind for a long time.. Give me a break. Even smiling feels like a chore. I hate feeling so weak >:(

2010-11-16T11:02:00.000-08:00

You meet people who forget you. You forget people you meet. But sometimes you meet those people you can't forget. Those are your friends but are there such people nowadays......

I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in awhile and whether you can forgive them for that needs alot of soul searching within......

2010-11-08T10:32:00.000-08:00

"If you shut your door to all errors, truth will be shut out." - Rabindranath Tagor 1861

Ah, I missed the morning air :)

2010-11-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

First day taking care of my baby cousin, I got so damn sleepy and tired. Why? Because last night I refuse to listen to my Mum's advise. I need to sleep early for a month. I seriously hope, it won't be so hard, you know. Small kids can be very, well you know what I mean.

Thank god there's my grandmama. I seriously couldn't take it and had to sleep for at least an hour. Or else, I'll faint, I swear. What a relief that the little boy was asleep when I woke up. At least I get to spend sometime alone before I spend time with him for the whole day. Hehe.

The biggest task to me is teaching him? God knows how much I hate studying. What else teaching someone? My patience for that is damn low and I really hope I get through this. I'm actually quite worried about finding a work when the month of November ends......

I hate risk, but without it, you'll never know if you'll like it. But, thinking about finding a centre to send resumes.... Hmm, I can feel the strong hesitant feeling. Not a good sign. This has made me feel like shit for sometime now.

How I wish I can be a part timer forever. Oh god. We will see how it goes alright? Because from the eight days experience in a centre, oh my god.,

gotta go now, the boy's awake!

this is embarassing.

2010-10-25T06:37:00.000-07:00

"In life, we're like barbers.We can cut other people's hair,but cannot cut our own. We give good advice,but cannot follow them ourselves."

It feels like the walls I built all these years is slowly falling apart. No matter how hard I try to build the broken parts, it just becomes worst. Or maybe, I should just give up and start letting people pass through it? I am tired of pushing people away from my life, trust me, I push them away unintentionally. I swear... I am changing and I have, I hope. I feel like I'm under depression or something. I sound so crazy. One thing that has been the hardest things to do is open up to others. To sometimes tell them what problems I have. I'd love to share them to make myself feel better. But every single time I feel blue, I just feel like someone pushed the button shut down on me. Like, I am in my own world, drowning in my own thoughts. Only I exist in this world. I sometimes feel funny when I breathe. The thoughts that I'm really here in this very world. Of course, I feel thankful to get an opportunity to get witness the beauty of God's creations. I honestly don't know why am I even saying this. But one thing for sure, I'm truly sorry if you ever felt like I'm pushing you away. Trust me, I have no intentions of doing that. And the other thing I hate about myself is being awkward and idiotically shy. Don't be surprised when I say I'm shy and nervous when we haven't met in ages and finally going to meet because it's true. I know I sound so stupid. But no point lying about what I'm saying now cause I don't get anything in return.

So, if you have read this, I need your opinion. Honest opinion, do you feel like I pushed you away? :( Okay, this is meaningless :/

I just want to shut myself from everything and let the world revolves around only me. IF ONLY.

2010-10-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

I fucking don't understand you. When I fucking ask nicely, you fucking make it into a big thing out of it and when I ask you rudely you act like it's a major problem(like there's a bomb or something that will kill everyone). What the fuck is wrong with you?! You act like a small kid, and please la what's your age now? You say I nag like a "mak nenek" well mirror yourself. Aren't you like that? Aren't woman like that? Seriously kalau nak tegur orang, pergi tengok cermin dulu ok sebelum cakap. I feel fucking guilty doing this to you, because 1. I love fucking much 2. You're older than me 3. I owe my life to you 4. I am nothing without you. But why do you do this to me? In your eyes, I'm the bad one. I'm everything negative. But those who never ever fucking took care of you, you fucking praise them like they're angels. Do you fucking know what they say and do behind you? Just because we live under one roof for all my life, you get to see how I really am, you say I'm bad. But whenever I do good, have you ever ever fucking praise good things about me? Fucking hell no. Come and tell to my face, whenever you wanna do anything, go anywhere who was there for you? WHO? I just wish you're open minded. Ah pegi la pegi puji dorang sepuas hati kau, eventhough you know they talk bad about you. What did you do? You fucking tell me, NOTHING! When I do a little mistake, and I do it politely, what do you do? You fucking call me a badass. You named me, you had the cheek to say my names stands for a bad kid or something? Ok wow. You're really..... Oh god :'(

And hell yes, you've guessed it, I'm on hiatus. Dont bother really.

rusty brains.

2010-10-12T00:39:00.000-07:00

"Behind my smile is everything you'll never understand."

My face's making me so worried, it's breaking out like crazy and I wish knew the answer to it. Please be cured soon, any kind soul who would want to sponsor me to a facial spa for free? I will love you forever :)

Anyways, life is the same - Okay. Nothing special about it but there are days which I really wish it lasted. But time passes by and it's a new day. Nothing much have been happening, since I'm at home most of the days. I really need to find a job; Yes, I know I've been saying this a lot. But for now, I am really confused. Meaning, I don't know if the course I took, is something I really want? Boleh mati aku dibuat nye ok, kenapa la "fickle minded" kena ada dalam dunia ni?

Though I'm always free, but I haven't been catching up a lot with those people who I dearly miss. Everyone is busy, yeah who isn't. But my awkward and shy self has to go~ It's been bothering me a lot. Not forgetting my fats, huhuha. Okay, it's seriously not funny anymore :(

Eh okay la, really got nothing to type already. I need an entertaining life la, oh god.
I miss DJ Tiga's mix that night. COME DOWN TO SG PLEASE. I WANNA DANCE~

letting go.

2010-09-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

"I kept falling over, I kept looking backward, I went broke believing that the simple should be hard"

I'm crying out, I'm breaking down,
I am fearing it all,
Stuck inside these walls,
Tell me there is hope for me
Is anybody out there listening?

I'm in here, I'm calling out but you can't hear,
Can anybody help?

2010-09-21T06:55:00.001-07:00

‘What’ and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?’…”

2010-09-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside

And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

Why does all the bitter parts of life, stays for a lifetime? Fml.

2010-08-13T01:01:00.000-07:00

I can feel something developing deep down inside, which is going to bring me down very drastically and I really wish I know how to kick this feeling out from my body system. Because it's a feeling where I don't know what's the cause and all I wanna do is be alone. No smiles, no communications, no nothing. No matter how hard I try to stay positive, some parts of me isn't dealing with it very well. I am hating every inch of it to the core. Then I'll start asking myself, what is my purpose really. I wish, I wish I know the answer to every questions I ask myself. Wouldn't that be wonderful for once?

Life hasn't been very interesting for a few months now. Been doing nothing much, nor going out often. Till I get way too lazy to even go out to town or any further. I really think my laziness is really bad. I gotta agree with Nad, for once.

In the afternoon, felt a little better. Talking some crap with my two girls and it felt nice. Finally talking, I think. It's been sometime we talked together. I seriously am curious when will our Escape Theme Park plan happen. World record, the plan has been a year plus. Ahhhh suddenly I miss the old times.

Moving on, today has been a real challenge for me. Thank God, it's fasting month really. Had to buy something at the Polyclinic and got to know that they've close down the carpark. Had to walk under the freaking hot sun. Upon payment, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, I don't have change for 50dollars" Ahhhhhh how pleasant to hear? -____- Asked all counters and it was all disappointment. I had to find a shop nearby which is FAR! When I came back, the cashier lady can just jolly well steady baby said, "I was actually looking for you" Whaaa, what great news? Okay drop that.

I am sleepy and I need some beauty sleep. Gdnight.
On a lighter note, be strong darling, you know there's so much others who cares. Life is like a rainbow, it's beautiful. I love you, Nadzirah Bte Md Azri, very much♥♥

2010-07-06T02:00:00.000-07:00

Fuckyouanddiebitch.

111.

2010-06-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

Should I allow myself to drown in my own temptations, or just let it pass?

living in the shadows.

2010-06-10T09:28:00.001-07:00

Will this feeling every go away?
I am not strong enough to fight this feeling anymore. It's getting the best of me.
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes, count to ten and everything would just go away, forever.

Please let tomorrow be a better day. Please.

i don't know how much longer i can withstand.

2010-05-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

"Now I'm fighting this feeling
but it never stops, never stops
I'm still waiting
And I'm stuck with this feeling
will it ever stop, ever stop?
I keep trying

I blame no one, but myself
so honestly, is this how it's gonna be?
Tell me, who's the enemy?
Monkey on my back keeps me so desperately
How you got me on my knees

So sick of this feeling
but it never stops, never stops
I'm still waiting
And I'm stuck with this feeling
will it ever stop, ever stop?
You see, I'm still shaking
And I'm fighting this feeling"

M, I need a holiday please? :( It feels like I would explode any minute. I seriously wish I had a bike for real. A transport, where I can drive to work and school.

Anyways, happy belated birthday D. I love you ♥♥♥

I miss my social life for real.

is it too harsh, oh too bad.

2010-05-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

I really do not understand, why are you making up stories about us? I mean, you even talk about people you're close with. It makes me curious, what were you thinking?

It's funny that you're doing all this stuffs knowing you're already an adult. With four kids. No offense, but I kinda pity them. Living in a world of lies thanks to you the person they put trust in. I mean, even if you wanna shine or maybe be the center of the attraction. Sorry, wrong move.

You're just making a fool out of yourself. I used to respect you, but then I find that you're a disgusting person. I mean, you take things for granted. You do not appreciate people. Like no wonder no one likes you.

I guess, you're just jealous with the relationship we build with each other. Our bonding is strong and most of us just don't click with you. Why? Ask yourself woman. I'm sorry, oh yes, I forgot. You came from a broken family. You're full of jealousy.

But, never accuse G. That's very serious for most of us. Accusing without proof, is seriously one fucking wrong move. I guess, you haven't heard of karma.

Oh, it makes me laugh whenever you say about those people who loves talking about others. Aren't you one of them when you talk about them and tell about what they do and everything?

Right now, I'd love to see how far you would go. But I'm more excited when karma hits you. I wonder, when are you gonna wake up from your imaginary so called life? Omg woman, what's in your mind?

I'm a human being afterall.

2010-05-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

"I really don't mean to complain too much
But this is turning me into quite the lush"

I am starting to feel so awful. I tend to start crying knowing that it's slowly break me down and exposing my weaknesses. After all, I am a human being. I'm so tired, right now my body is not giving in for the day. Woke up with a terrible headache and is still killing me. I don't know how people could tolerate with long working hours without a break. I know I can't, I am not strong enough. Spending two and a half hours in the MRT or sometimes bus everyday and dealing with my running thoughts. So many things to remember during work, like what goes into this drink and that,Mm.. Having to memorize everything in a short time, kills me. It's worst than school.. I hate growing up but age is like life. It goes on...

I do not mean to complain or whine too much. But i just need to let go all of things I'm keeping to feel better and thank you to those who listened. I am really sorry to put more burden on you with my complains. I promise, I would not complain anymore :)

Dear espritvolage,

on a random note, I miss spending time with a whole lot of people including my family members. I wish my birthday was better and spent with them but everything turned out so bad. I shall say, worst birthday ever. And it hit me hard.

Oh and I'm not asking for any sympathy, this is purely based on what I feel. I just need to let it out and thank God espritvolage doesn't judge nor talks back or else I'll die in my own thoughts.

I wish I am okay and I'm so tired of faking everything. When will happiness stay? oh God, I sound like a loser already..

if you hate complains, dont bother reading.

2010-05-04T23:50:00.000-07:00

"I'm freaking out that we're running out of time
But to do what?
Should I stop and think of that?
Is there something I could do to slow it down?
Live in a day for once
Instead of watch it screaming by

You're a dandelion seed
That flies through the air
And lands randomly
Then disappears

I'm freaking out that we've started breaking down
Before momentum picked up
Now all these doors are locked
The trees trick you 'cause they're always standing still
If time was really racing by
You could see it when you drive"

I'm freaking out because these few weeks I haven't been stable emotionally. The worst part is, I don't know the cause and there's no one to blame. It's either I feel sad or angry for no fucking reasons, or rather small things. Which is really not good.

Been whining and complaining about work these few days. I'm terribly sorry, to those that I whine at. I just can't stop talking about it, I just am tired somehow. Hopefully, as time pass by, I'd get use to it.

Pressure, having to memorize everything in a short period of time, long mrt/bus rides, etc. Makes me so restless, days feels like years and hours feels like days. I'm just so tired of everything :(

That's just complains about work, now what about school? Mm everything makes me so speechless. All I want to do after work is sleep once I reach home till the next day.

Hello darker eyes and eye bags. Wished smiling doesn't exist.
I swear, I miss having fun.

Dear stranger, where are you who is supposed to listen to me and not judge? I need you.

Ahh and oh yes, thank you loves for the birthday wish, I sincerely from the bottom of my heart appreciate it a lot. It makes me feel loved and cared for :) I love you all♥♥♥

2010-05-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

CANNOT CELEBRATE BIRTHDAY NEVERMIND SEH, THEN KENA FULL SHIFT. HOW LEH? NEED TO WAKE UP EARLY, SPECIAL DAY MUST BE LIKE PRINCESS CORRECT? WAKE UP IN THE AFTERNOON. HAHAHA OK OK EXAGGERATING. SO SAD, MUMMY NOT WORKING. CAN DRAG HER GO OUT :( BUT GOT WORK, OH GOD.

WHY OH WHY OH WHY DO I HAVE WORK AND TRAINING TOMORROW.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY AH, BUT I ALMOST TEARED WHEN MY MANAGER CALLED LAST MINUTE AND TOLD ME I'M WORKING TOMORROW, WHERE CAN LIKE THIS? EVERYTHING LAST MIN LAST MIN, THINK FUNNY?

IDK WANT TO QUIT OR NOT BUT WANT TO SAVE FOR KOREA (INSYA ALLAH)

PLEASE LOVE ME MORE MAY. DIDN'T I TOLD YOU TO BE NICE TO ME?!

EVERY MORNING I'M LIKE AN ANGRY BITCH, WALKING LIKE ZOMBIE, DRAGGING MY FEET TO WORK. BEFORE START WORK, SO TIRED ALRD. BCZ TRAVEL SO FAR TILL SO SLEEPY IN TRAIN.

LIKE THAT NOT ENOUGH, WHEN SHOP BUSY, KENA DO DRINKS LIKE WHAT. LEG PAIN YOU KNOW :( I DO WORK (NOT BLENDING) OK LAH, YOU NEVER SCOLD. BUT OTHER PEOPLE DO WRONG MEASUREMENT, I KENA SCREAM AT MY FACE. GOT FAIR A NOT LIKE THIS, YOU TELL ME NOW!

NO WORK TO DO, STAND A WHILE SEE SEE A BIT CANNOT. MUST FIND JOB TO DO. NO MORE JOB, FIND WHAT JOB SOME MORE STUPID?

SO ANGRY OK, I FEEL LIKE JUST WALKING AWAY THE OTHER DAY. NOT HAPPY SAY.

SORRY FOR THE CAPS, LIKE SO NICE. MHM.

I KNOW LA MY ENGLISH NOT PERFECT, DON'T COME KPO KPO COMMENT ON IT.
DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT IT OK I TELL YOU?

HAIZ. WANNA CRY TO SLEEP ALREADY :(
WHEN GOT ENOUGH MONEY TO ENROL BIKE NIIIIIIII!!

sweetest downfall

2010-04-26T22:36:00.000-07:00

Though I'm officially starting work tomorrow, I'm not excited at all. Not even a little. I feel like quitting already. Bad time to start work, or perhaps week. Cause, plans are made but it was a last minute call so better than nothing. The thought of everything is just making me restless, and I feel so fucking annoyed with everything.

Have to wake up 6 in the morning tomorrow. What a drag, and what a day to start of with. I wanna follow Mummy go back to our family village so badly but oh well, I have to work on that day. Gonna miss you M. Even though it's just a day, I'm jealous. Ahh what am I talking?

I'm so tired and I feel so sick. Body aching all over.
Please have mercy on me please. Let's not fall sick tomorrow when I wake up.

I wanna be in school once again, secondary or ITE. :'(
Getting very tired of life, but haiz let's not whine and move on.
Happier days please stick with me.

she stole my future, when she took you away

2010-04-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

"Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye"

Mood. I can't decide what I'm feeling. Perhaps a mix of emotions. Mostly, I feel like shit and everything seems so be so fucked up. Regrets is definitely the one that makes me feel so annoyed. Finally discussing about my assignments with the rest and realize that my team mates are actually nice and fun people to work with, alhamdulliah :)

I'm starting to miss every human being in my life, and I'd love to do meet ups with a couple of them. Let's hope time is on my side. April's ending and May is around the corner. Dear May, please don't be harsh with me. Let me go through all the obstacles I'm going through calmly, Amin.

So anyways, my day was quite enjoyable, I shall say. Class wasn't as bored as the previous one which is good. Laughed a lot and learned a lot about a few people. Mhm and I'm starting to feel annoyed because I'm already having the "clothes" issue. Always do not know what to wear :(

Plus, I really really wish I have bike license and a bike where I can travel around with it. Bcz, I am so irritated w the public transport. The waiting and everything, oh god. I'm getting sick of it. Bike bike bike say you love me and come to me soooooon!

9 more days and I so need the day to be good to me. I need fun to run away from reality plzzz.

ignorance.

2010-04-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

"I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart"

Grey clouds, a sign that it's gonna rain soon. Mm what a nice weather to sleep, but what a drag.. I have school. Though I have only classes twice a week, but it feels like I have it everyday. The weather is making me more lazy every minute. Boring Wednesday for me. D and elder B went out in the morning without asking me along, I know, I know this is a small thing. But how could he?!

I loved yesterday. Met up with the girls, caught "Date Night" and did a lot of catching up. Date Night was awesome ♥♥♥ worth every single cent. You should watch it if you haven't. But I still wanna watch, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Iron Man 2, maybe Rec 2. What else is new?

Assignments, assignments, assignments. A new one is out, and it's a group work. K, I just want to stop talking. Will update a proper one soon.

Have a good day.

2010-04-13T09:05:00.001-07:00

"It feels like nobody cares at all"

2010-04-12T23:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wonder what people around you are thinking about? I do. I know the world does not revolves around me, but usually I try hard to concentrate to try hear people's thoughts about me. Cz most of the time, I feel so weird though I'm not. That's how bad my self esteem is and then when I realized I'm no superhero, then I smile to myself and that makes me look crazy.. Most of the time, I feel so silly thinking that way.

Sometimes i wonder who am i to you...
Sometimes i wonder if people really mean what they say...
Taken from Niss's blog.

I am feeling a little down. My heart hurts a little and I really do not know what is causing it to feel this way. Anyways, I miss having fun and laughing till my stomach hurts or laugh till I cry or be breathless from laughing too much. It feels like I haven't been true to myself lately and sometimes I just feel down for no damn reason. Which is bad, very.

I miss those who I am close with. (I'm sure you know who you are) Lately a few of them are at their worst every.. Or perhaps, just busy.

If only my heart could heave a sigh to feel better.

No, I'm nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
Of violence of love and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
Where you hold me down, fold me in
Deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins

2010-04-11T01:37:00.000-07:00

"Some things are better left unsaid"

I really do not know what's wrong with me today, but hell, I ate a lot today. Though, it makes my tummy so round (literally) haha but today I don't know why but I do not quite mind. Mhm been sometime since I ate that much. Perhaps, I feel happy (due to some reason).

Assignment's finally done but big possibility we're gonna be given our next assignment next week. So draggy~

Proper update soon :)

2010-04-01T23:49:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't wanna talk to anyone? Like, you don't want to smile and you don't want to pretend being content, but you don't know what's wrong either? (via someone's tumblr)

Yes, and all I felt like doing is stay in bed, listen to my some songs and just be alone. Nothing else matters.

2010-03-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

Hey You, :)

2010-03-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

"Our breath smelled of cigarettes and alcohol
We walked down the beach, counting every star
Hearts beat inside out chest
Leaving us gasping for every breath

And it's still out of my reach
And you're still, all of the things that I want in my life
How could I ask you to leave me?"

- Tired/sleepy
-Been dragging myself from one place to another.
-Couldn't really concentrate in class.
-New lecturer's boring.
-I must do my assignments!
-Planning to do it, starting from tomorrow.
-Shall not let anything distract me.
-Assignments, assignments, assignments. No more outing for the meanwhile.
-Legs/body is aching like crazy
-I feel like eating ice cream, boo hoo hoo.
-I need some sleep asap!
-USB cable missing = cannot transfer picture in laptop
-Fuck, not funny :(
-USB searching "party" tomorrow
-Mhmmmm I'm tired, and should stop complaining.
Goodnight.

2010-03-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'm on the verge of breaking down. I'm so speechless right now, and all I want to do is be alone and if possible not exist, or at least be invisible. I do not feel like communicating with anyone at all, but I feel like bursting from what I'm going through right now. I really hope it will get better in the matter of days, please I beg of you mhmm.. If it get worst, I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell the truth to my parents, I no longer have the guts to speak. It's like the past haunting me once more, it's repeating itself. I hope it wont(amin). Looks like I'm gonna cry myself to sleep, I guess. I really should have listened to M, why did I even took the risk?

To make it worst, an ulcer grew on the side of my tongue. It hurts like crazy. Everything's painful, mhm I just hope I won't have to end up in the hospital again, no, not another hospitalization :( because that means a lot of money will be wasted. I'm sure my parents won't be happy with me as they've been spending a lot on me.

M's nagging, and at this condition I really wish she would just be those who doesn't care, get my drift? Yes, no?

Didn't touch my assignment today, totally didn't have the mood. Besides, I don't quite understand the other two question. At least, I've started and done with one. I'm proud of myself, and let's hope I won't procrastinate..

I feel like having a personal diary and I think, I might find an old notebook now and pen down all my thoughts that's too personal to be written here. Good night, don't let the bed bugs bite.

2010-03-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

"Time slows down whenever you're around
I can feel my heart
It's beating in my chest
Did you feel it?
I can't put this down.."

My appetite has been really crazy these few days or perhaps week, I can't recall. Always feeling hungry and eating a lot (I really mean, ALOT) I really hate that because that's when the fats start to grow again. I'll always imagine myself being skinny but perhaps it's not gonna happen soon. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. Ah man, I need an inspiration. I need help, I need advises. How I wish the gym was a lot cheaper, mhmm. Oh, I also have an issue with my face or rather skin. It's so ew gross. I need a better skin care products. Why can't things just happen effectively? I hate waiting, ok you guessed it. I have no patience and I find that I'm really pathetic because of that. The pimple scars I have on my left cheek is making is worst, I feel so ugh shit, please go away! Itchy fingers, it's all your fault. Any recommendations on what brand to use for the skin, anyone? Anyone used Nivea before?

"School's" been okay, still shy and I really find it funny and I really can't believe I feel VERY SHY. Yes, people who really know me will be laughing at the word shy. Me, shy? So far from it right? But trust me, I am. Most of the time, I keep quiet. And sometimes, it feels like I can't be bothered to even start a conversation. It scares me. Assignment's out and I don't know where to start. Haven't even touch it, when I'm supposed to think about it already by now. Shikin, let's not procrastinate ok? That won't help even one bit but make things worst. I still am having doubt about the course I'm taking, I really don't know if I really want it to be a job I will do in the future, and I hope this is something I will do. (cross fingers).

I'm tired both physically and mentally :( And sometimes, I hate taking naps in the afternoon, because when I wake up I feel so weird, sometimes more tired. And I really really hate over sleeping, whatever you call it. Because it makes me more weak, like crazy! Aching, aching, aching. I'm still sad because I'm still jobless. Ergh, that email I'm supposed to send to N's place isn't done yet. I better start right now, mhmmmm gd evening to you.

story of my life

2010-03-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

"Happiness depends on ourselves"
-Aristotle

My right ear is still swollen and currently very itchy. I should have listened to Ai Ling's advise about seafood. Yes, I should have avoided it since it's not fully recovered but I ignored it. I hope it gets better really soon, I want the swelling to reduce. I can't wait to change to a new stud though, but I'm afraid I fail the attempt and it goes to a waste. Life's still dull, and that explains the lack of updates. There's nothing to share about, been rotting at home most of the time. I'd love to have a few outings with a couple of people but I'm so broke. No allowance, no job, no pay, and I don't like asking from M, because whenever I asked her, she'll give me an unhappy look. Yes, I know we're in a financial problem but I got a life too. Man, guilt guilt guilt, I should have looked a for a job once school ended, but noooooo. See what happens now, no one wants to employ me. But, I shall not give up!

I'm getting tired of taking the MRT somehow, looking at the behavior of certain people just disgust me. I wish I had a bike license, and own a bike. Money, when are you gonna fall from the sky, enough for me to pay for my enrollment and for me to buy a bike? I wish D would want to sponsor me again (dream on).

Alright now, I wanna do something that would entertain me. I'm running out of words,gdnight.

out of place.

2010-03-13T20:47:00.000-08:00

"Music is what feelings sound like.."
- Author Unknown

Yes, perhaps it's too early to say this. But I just can't click with my new classmates, I just don't feel like myself around them and that makes me feel so damn uncomfortable. All I think of is, for the class to end fast. I miss my old classmates, no doubt. I hate being in a new environment where I have to start all over again, I'm tired of it. I don't know if my face showed what I was feeling, because it was so weird when my lecturer came to me and asked if I was okay and asked if I'm lost at any part of the class. There were times where I wish I'm invisible to everyone, I hate it when I don't feel like myself. How I wish I could describe how I feel more but I'm lost of words. I feel like a baby now, because I all can afford to do is cry and hope I'll feel better. And I really hope I will. I want things to turn out better, but I don't know how to make it happen. Or shall I just let it happen by itself without putting in any effort? I feel like a hypocrite already. Hi close friends (you should know who you are) I need a meet up with you, to make me feel alive again and make me feel better. Let's please meet up, because this really sucks. I'm hoping I'm not gonna regret taking up this course, well, at certain times I feel like finding a job at a childcare center already but I'm just afraid I'm not prepared for what's gonna come. And the fact that I'm still jobless after so many months, is making me stress (due to some reasons). I think I'm turning in now, as I'm very tired. Good night world. Please make me feel better by tomorrow.

a day to remember.

2010-03-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Friday,
Met up with Su and Khir to watch Alice In the Wonderland 3D, since Su and myself wanted to watch it. I was kinda excited to watch something in 3D for the first time (ok this is not funny!) but the feeling died when I was watching it because, YES there is difference but the glasses was pissing me off because I had to kept adjusting it. Overall the movie was alright, I really don't know how someone could sleep while watching it (rolls eyes). Took photos and talked cock and went home. I'm so tired! Bcz I couldn't sleep last night, and it seriously sucks because I went back late on Thurs night, a day which was spent by walking to places we went.......... I need to sleep early today! And I think I should stop whining HAHA

Dear Thursday,
Planned to apply for job(s) around town area with Ezzati but I ended up applying at only Ah girl's place (hehe) because we were too hungry after walking around places and Lucky Plaza made us disappointed :( Ate at Cahaya, walked around at random places looking at clothes, accessories etc.Many things caught our eye but we're just too broke to purchase them and I'm so sad because I really want that blouse at Bershka, so in love with it and need the sandal at Bishan. Skip that, I finally set my foot on Orchard Central's rooftop, it's a nice place and really windy. I like windy places since SG has been really humid ~.~ took lots of pictures but there were a few fucked up people who just can't stop looking. It was really annoying, and thank God we left or else we'll die of embarrassment due to something. Laughed alot, and it really made me forgot about reality for a minute. Ahhhh nice feeeeeeeeeling. And I really don't know what else to say, I hope to meet you sooon eh babe.

And anyways, I'm so worn out from the outing 2 days straight. To make things worst, I have class at 2 tomorrow. Bravo! And assignments might be given, which I hope not. And, all of this is making me miss B's so so so so so much. I really hope J's doing fine now, I hope you are baby. And once you think you're doing better, let's meet up alright darling? Really am hoping to meet the 3 of them soon :( Sometimes I wish we're still in school, meeting each other every single day.

On a not so brighter note, it's 11PM and I'm still eating potato chips. HOW TO BE THIN LIKE THIS?! MY godnesssss............ And I'm still jobless, HOW COULD THIS BE?!

$.$

2010-03-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

I need new devices, I want those above. Mum and Dad, any one as birthday present please?
I don't know if I should regret not taking up the job offer at Toy R Us, Vivo.
Perhaps I should :/ But it's too far for me, means more $$ will be spent on bloody ez link.
Ai Ling makes me miss my practical lessons at SSDC, I miss my instructors ~.~ and the funny moments during practical lessons.

Need more cash to enjoy more, okay now I kinda regret for not taking the job offer, damn.
Watching videos of Paramore in SG makes me so so sad. They better come back!
I shall save money from now on, I hope this wont be an empty promise, again!

I am tired of repeating the same routine every day, I need a better life.
Rotting at home sucks like fuck, I am so restless.

I miss a few friends~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jamie, you're strong baby girl.
Oh, and I'm so not ready for tomorrow, I hope I'll enjoy it.
I shall not regret on the decision I've made myself, I must be serious now! :>

Good night for now.

2010-03-02T17:57:00.000-08:00

"We kill our dream when we allow our fear to grow"

I hate it when I let my lazy self control myself and turn down all opportunity to make me slim down, I hate it when I kept telling myself I have to do something about it but when my brother asked me to go exercise with him, "No" is the only word I utter and say it without thinking about how I fucking want to be skinny. It's like I'm killing my own dream of being skinny. All I can say is, I'm fucking annoyed with myself and fuck all of my dreams. And, I'm still jobless. It's been months and I really need a job. To pay for things, I'm getting older not younger. Oh world, please have some mercy on me. Life's been really dull and most of the time, staying at home make me a really cranky person. With the nags and everything! No pocket money given is no joke. It's killing me, it's really depressing.

I kept breaking my promises, especially the one where I promise myself to only eat when I'm really hungry. Stop tempting me already, oh you lovely food. I hate it when people get so tiny so fast, like as if they don't have to do anything about it and they just shrink. What the fuck, what the fuck! Insecurities has really gotten the best out of me.

I'm so pissed I'm not going to Paramore concert, serves me right for not saving since a few years back. Another promise broken, why oh why!

I want a better life.

2010-02-19T13:53:00.000-08:00

Would love to have a few puffs. I'm so fucking bored.
I can die right now, literally la. I'm beginning to get tired of internet/spending hours on laptop.
I'm so sick of myself, I don't want my daily routine to continue being like this.
I need a job so badly, school's starting :(
I'm so sick and tired of every fucking thing, kinda.
Can't wait for tomorrow, going out to JB. Need some fun!
Idk where's my camera charger, and I feel like bringing that baby tomorrow.
UGh, fuck everything. Ok maybe no.
I WANT A BIKE LICENSEEEEEEEE...........................................

2010-02-11T20:51:00.000-08:00

PARKING WITHOUT POLES FUCKING SUCKKKKKKKS.
Gdluck to those learning parking without poles, cz ure so gonna have advantage lorh aft u pass ):

2010-02-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

On a brighter side, vrooom vroooom vrooom, you're next! :D

79.

2010-02-07T18:51:00.000-08:00

I hate feeling something that you just can't express it in any way, no matter how hard you try to express it to feel better, you just fail. Felt like words, letters just doesn't exist for a minute and your heart burns from it, cz it's beginning to be a burden you just NEED to let go. It feels so empty, and your heart feels heavy at certain times. Whenever someone ask, "What's wrong? Just say it, try, try explaining" They just don't understand, cz this is something that you don't even know what had cause it. Or perhaps, it's one of the things that people might say "if I tell you, I'll have to kill you"

Even though this might sound silly, but it's really painful to be in this kind of situation. I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through this, but there's no other choices left to choose from. I just feel like hiding from the world and never show up again and stay in the dark where no one can find me and cry till it all goes away. Life hasn't been nice to me these few days, some people around me is always moody and angry also some who just can't stop being annoying for just a minute has to make me feel worst than what I am feeling.

Oh and I've registered myself for Fundamentals and deep inside I've this tiny feeling that I can't wait to learn about something new but most of the time, it feels like I'm trying to killing myself. I hope I'm gonna like this, and not waste anymore money. Everything is making me so fucking nervous!

On the brighter side, I'm gonna meet my laughing gas(es) tomorrow, and I can't wait to laugh like an idiot till my stomach hurts. Cause I really need it, been sometime since I laughed like that. With them, I just feel, hm how do I put it? It feels like, I'm escaping from this world for a little bit and have an awesome time together. And now, let's not get too mushy.

Hope everything's gonna go smoothly, and boy, I'm so nervous for 9FEB. Every time I think about it, it just gives me the chills and it's like I'm gonna have a fever, which I hope I don't. Tomorrow's gonna be the last practical(I hope!) I'm gonna miss the instructors somehow. Bye for now, need some awesome shows to cheer me up :)

Have a great day ahead.

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

where did go wrong?

2010-02-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

You and I are gonna get it right
Don't let me go
It takes two to make a leader but
One has to follow
Help me, help me understand
What we've become

I wanna change more than anything
Just as you're leaving
Every room is an apology
That's lost it's meaning
You and I, I think we're better off
We found each other
And what's right, we are the
We're spinning further

My day was terrible, I wish I disappeared earlier during practical. So many mistakes done over and over again despite being told what's the mistake. I really don't know what's wrong with me today, perhaps I was complaining too much about being lazy to go practical and nervous at the same time. Maybe, just maybe it affected me? Even my instructor said I was driving so lazily. I hate it when my instructor could read my body language within minutes, no matter how I denied, I had to admit he was right deep inside. Today I could see that he's trying so hard to be patient, and I just can't stop sigh(ing). I was so fed up with myself to the extend of I would cry if I could! All I hope is that, tomorrow would be a better day, I shall not complain. Should not be half-hearted etc. Still, I'm so nervous about TP, my god. I truly hate changing lanes when there's so many cars on the road. I tell you, sucks lah. 9FEB please, not much cars :(

8FEB please happen, I miss B's (aw sweet sia shikin) LOL.
And ofcz a handful of people too, miss miss miss. Want want need need need a job too.
Goodnight ^_^

2010-01-31T22:30:00.000-08:00

Happy 21st Birthday, John Ivan Gerad aka Bangla boy.
You know you love me, HAHAHAHA. Hope you had a blast celebrating your birthday!
May God Bless you, and don't drink too much ok. You owe me 21 punches (winks) LOL!

"There's nothing left to say, don't waste another day"

Very bad headache, and I feel so sick in the stomach. Even after spending almost 12 hours in the bed, lying down to rest, I still feel so terrible :/

My head feels so heavy, all I want to do is lie down. But I'm trying to fight the pain, because I just feel like a pig. Hate that feeling you know? And no, I didn't eat a lot today. Lying down doing nothing, just makes me feel like I ate 5kg of rice or something. Thoughts is really irritating cz this brings my confidence and self esteem go worse than it is already. Sucks!

Whatever it is, germs/virus, whatever you are. Please fuck off my immune system/any organs that make me feel so sick. Cz it's totally not fun. But on the brighter side, D gave me kachings to buy the shoes I've been dying to have (&I hope I won't abandoned it like how I did at my first pair of VANS heh heh) can't wait to buy them. And I really want that jacket, M, please?

I think I shall stop now, because thinking what about what to type down, hurts my head more.
Goodnight.

2010-01-23T19:57:00.000-08:00

"Dear Alexa, will you give me all your clothes?"

Alright, dream on. That will never happen in a million years. I'm in need of so many things right now, I can go mad! I want and I need it so badly. I am so tempted to work, but noo I have to wait. This upsets me so much, wish I always have cash to buy things that really caught my eye and perhaps always have the cash when I plan to go for a little shopping, at least :( I'm so emotional right now. Okay not really actually.

Anyways, today's really tiring as I only had about 4 hours of sleep. D with his last minute plans, but I loved today. Had one of the best days with the family (minus elder bro). The only sad thing was, I saw this pretty shoes, really cute. I had a choice, to buy that or the vans I'm dying to have since a few years back (shut up) and I was so tempted to say I wanted those. But I really want the vans, so badly too though :( How I wish M would just treat me to those.. Plus, I hope D keep his promise this time about the shoes. Cz, he gave me the silent treatment every time I asked when will I get my shoes he promised to buy it for me. (praying!) So, to cheer me up a little and we watched movie. We settled for "The Spy Next Door" I was praying so hard hoping it wouldn't be boring and on the other hand, what could be boring when there's Jackie Chan right? IT WAS AWESOME, funny yet touching aww. Hehe, felt better. But D had to make it worst. Passed by the shoe shop, (double worst) he bought a new phone. Erggggggggghhhhh man, still wish I'm a working person earning money....... sigh. But it's okay lah, even though it's not. Die die must say it is :(

Right now, really cannot wait for practical. Someone's birthday coming (ehem) lol.
Note to self; misss every minute a lottttttttttttttttt kwang kwang kwang.
Nights!

bull.

2010-01-19T17:48:00.000-08:00

"I will surround your heart with lies
And it's a heavy burned on me baby
Heavy burden I have never felt before"

Felt so good to finally wake up early in the morning, and jog my ass around my neighborhood. I seriously didn't know the feeling would be different. Jogging in the morning and at night, I love morning jogs and I do hope this will carry on till a month or so! Anyways, life's been good but boring. All I do is rot and home like a log, feel so lazy to continue studying/working. This is what happens if you rot at home too much, all you do is gain a million kilos and get lazier and lazier every single day. What a pig.

I can't wait for TP but at the same time, I'm freaking nervous.
I hope I'll pass, if not eh, waste money ): Please pray for me eh, HAHAHA ok shameless I know.

Btw, I fell in love with Alexa Chung. Can turn lesbian sia, HAHA ok shutup.
But I AM NOT, cz I love Ed Westwick HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Ok bye.
(keep your comments to yourself, HAHA)

jst stfu

2010-01-15T20:43:00.000-08:00

I'm out of control, regret(s) is making me worst.
I need to stop this fucked up temper, fuck it.

2010-01-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

"Every night, I have to read a book,
so that my mind will stop thinking about things that I stress about."
-Britney Spears

Maybe, I should start reading every night..
Say hello to the library, I guess? And it's already 12th Jan, wow it's really fast.

2010-01-07T15:40:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done"
-Madonna

It turns like a washing machine and the pain gets greater every minute, and you'll rush to get it to ease the pain, my tummy hasn't been good these few weeks. I really think I need to check to the doctor but well I'm tired of telling my parents about it. They'll say okay, but at the end of the day they just ignore me. My stomach's really weak and my menses do not come regularly. I am worried, I wish I had cash to go for a check up. I hate it when I have to keep going to the toilet just to shit, yes shit. (Keep your comments to yourself now). And not making it any better, I'm having a little trouble with my jaw. Whenever I wake up, to yawn or brush my teeth. I can't open to it's maximum, when I force, I can hear a crack sound, two freaking times. It's a little painful but I can tolerate it. But it makes me curious, why is it like that? I do hope it's not because of my wisdom tooth, but I really want it off my mouth:( I need cash to do check ups, wow my body's one bitch. I'm thankful I'm breathing good. Whatever it means, go figure. Life's been alright, rotting at home (don't quite mind) but sometimes people (shrugs) skip that.

Been out for the last two days, or is it three? Seeing people in school uniform just keep reminding me that I'm turning freaking nineteen this year, and I'm not schooling anymore. I do hate school, but I miss friends and the environment in class. I miss having the fights, laughing at everything, disturbing people in every way, taking silly videos, shouting at each other for no reason. Everything about it, I wish I could go through it just for a day. All everyone is stressing about is their future, what are we going to do now? I'm clueless but at least I'm trying to go for something, I guess. I do hope I don't lose my interest half way like I do in DAVP. The feeling's so bad, I just wish I could disappear. It's cold today, I shall bathe and let M use the laptop.

Shall just lay in bed and listen to my ipod, uhmmm what a boring day.
Tuesday, Ich vermisse die Zeit hatte ich an diesem Tag freuen. das nächste Mal, ich hoffe, it's gonna so viel Spaß wie Sie, Tuesday.

2010-01-04T18:58:00.000-08:00

I'm sooooo exhausted, even though I had my afternoon nap. My body is aching without mercy, my legs are giving me cramps and my shoulder's killing me. All I want to do is stay in bed, but I can't! Okay so today, I had a bad start in the morning. I hate starting my days in a bad mood, but things happen. I can't predict my future and I can't avoid it. Couldn't sleep last night, could only sleep around 2? I was forced to wake at 8? I swear, I couldn't move and didn't want to. But I forced and told myself I have, have to accompany M cz I really don't want anything to her. See, I'm sucha good daughter. First day of jogging was yesterday night, though I felt so tired I feel satisfied with the distant I ran and walk. Felt so healthy! But, I didn't manage to warm up properly because I totally forgot the work out and ended up getting body aches. Sucks to the core, mind you. And I'm having doubt about tonight, to jog or to skip? Ok, I secretly wish it'll rain tonight. But if it does, I'll feel guilty haha. It's okay, I'll have company tomorrow, cz D wants so start walking too. I'mma happy girl, doing it alone is scary and boring especially at night! (Shrugs)

Suddenly, I realized. Why am I blogging crap? Shit.
I think, I shall stop here. Update soon, I miss 2009 sometimes.
It's weird looking @ people in ITE uniform and I miss my B's

random giler.

2010-01-01T01:00:00.000-08:00

I'll definitely miss two thousand and nine. Either, bad or good times I'm glad what had happened, happened. It made me a better person (I hope!), stronger (I guess!) and spending it with the best bunch of people ever, in the whole wide world. I thank the people, who has been there for me. Being patient with my annoying self, I know I'm irritating haha but I know you love me (k shut up pls). Like my previous post, I somehow wish it's still two thousand and nine, totally not ready for a new year but oh well, I'll live with it. And yes, Happy New Year to ALL human beings!

Even though, I've been upset because I insist I stay home for this year's new year but somehow I'm thankful I did. I'm glad, I get to witness the beautiful fireworks live. Just a slight sight of it, made me so happy! One thing for sure, I'm not sure if I want to state down some resolutions because I do know I will never do it if I have a list about it. Typical me, but that's me. Oh, on 31st Dec TWO THOUSAND FREAKING NINE, hahahahaha had a mini picnic with family members at two venues. Love them so darn much, and I enjoyed it even though it's just for a little while. I treasure everything, I luv you all. Aaw, so sweet and so mushy eh. Gdnight loves.

useless lil' brat.

2009-12-30T20:05:00.000-08:00

"My heart feels heavy, like it's been forced to beat,
it's painful. If only it could sigh and feel better"

I feel like I'm at the end of the road, waiting for the world to come tumbling down on me, eat me up and I'll disappear from this world. My future, it feels like it doesn't exist. Whenever I start thinking about it, I get confused all over again. And the question "Do I really want to do this" always pops out in my head and it leaves making me feeling so lost and it does hurts. It hurts, hurting my parents if I were to tell them, I honestly don't know what to do with my future. I'm such a failure and I'm sorry. Right now, plugging the earpiece into my ears, music playing at it's loudest is my new best friend. It somehow makes me feel better, and for a minute everything feels great.. Like running away from the world, for a little while. But, I know I can't keep doing it forever. Mum's been asking and bugging me to quickly survey about the course I mentioned I wanted to study. It's killing me, whenever she talks about it. She would mention about, asking her friends for information and how she will get the money to pay for the fees. Private schools, aren't cheap you see. I told her countless of times, I wanted to work first and save up but she just refuses to listen and kept saying it's her responsibility. I've let her down so much, I don't know. But, I think I'm lying. Lying to everyone, I'm not even sure if I like kids. Plus, I have a very bad temper! God, please help me, please. I've wasted too much time, too much money. I used to think, let fate bring me to where I'm fated to be. But, it's so wrong. I didn't have dreams like how the other kids have. I didn't care about it, and whenever the kids tell about their dreams so proudly, I just sigh and think it's so silly. But at the end of the day, I'm the silly one. I was studying for the sake of it, and it sucks so bad. Regretting now is way too late, I'm getting older as minutes pass.

I need to escape, run away.. I'm losing it, losing it so badly.
I need to start working hard for the future I want, Ya Allah, please give me some strength....

2009-12-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes, I wish, I look like how I feel I do.
I want to look like how I appear in pictures, skinny and pretty.
But it's just a picture, and it tells a lot of story yet there's a lie within it"

Hi blogger, please do not load ridiculously slow again because I'm beginning to lose my patience with you. Don't make me ditch you for some other online journal websites. Good afternoon readers, (if there's any) it's a stay home Saturday for me. It's really getting more and more boring every minute. I've got nothing to do, tried searching for some shows I wanted to watch, but all I got was disappointment, either the video's not available or that quality's crap. So, all I'm doing right now is waiting for a soul to chat with and listening to songs in itunes which I'm already sick of. And I gave up finding new songs, shall start listening to any radio stations for new song updates eh, hm but I really wonder when is that gonna happen. So anyways, life isn't great currently for some personal reason. Been spending a lot of time at my Granny's place (Dad side) due to something. Well, at least I get to do some catching up with my cousins and aunties. They never fail to make all of laugh with their stories and exaggerating actions, haha.

On a brighter side, I can't wait for my practical test but at the same time, I'm very nervous about it. I feel like, I need a lot of practice still. I miss my instructors. Two of them, since I booked for fixed instructors. And I don't know why, but I miss car number 12. The funny thing is, when I took my auto lesson, my car was 112. I think number 12 really loves me, lol. Okay sidetracked too much! So yes, I miss driving. Somehow or rather, but I hate parking! It's okay, overtime I'll master it. Cheh.

It's raining cat and dogs, it's cold. And I feel like sleeping, what a pig! I know. 2009's gonna end soon, it's strange but I wish, it would last longer. Memories please stay with me. Right now, everyone's asking me what do I wanna do now, since I've graduated. All I can say is, I really don't know and thinking about it, sometimes makes me cry.

Hello Mr Future of mine, what will I become in the future? Give me a hint, will you?
So I can go straight into what I'm gonna do in the future,hmmm. This is seriously not fun.

2009-12-26T00:04:00.000-08:00

Right now, if it's possible. I wanna run away from my future.
What's next, I don't know. I can't think of anything, none.
I wanna stop moving forward, I'm too afraid to go on...

Help me,someone?
I don't even know what I wanna do? God...

2009-12-22T20:25:00.000-08:00

It's too painful to even think about it.
I love you, and we all do. You will always be in our hearts.

2009-12-20T20:45:00.000-08:00

"At the end of the day, I broke my own heart,
and I tried pointing fingers at others for the pain I felt,
but all my fingers, betrayed me and pointed right back at me."

- Sleepy, tired, cramps.
- Need to stop eating, eat half of what I normally eat.
- Bored till bad mood.

I hate/like today.
Gdnight.

Mum's birthday tomorrow, nothing for her.
Hmmm~

2009-12-18T20:50:00.000-08:00

There's something at my throat, it feels like, I would puke any second now. My weak stomach, slightly painful. My head's spinning, leading to a slight headache. My body's aches due to my weird positions, I'm in, whenever I'm asleep. Doing the same things, whenever my eyes opened automatically when the light from the sun shine through my room window. Another day arrived, and all I wanted to do is stay in bed and listen to the songs in my Ipod. Just close my eyes, and imagine all the beautiful things I wanted have/witness, but couldn't. Life would be easier, like that. More boring, but at least I feel amazing. Imagine my life becoming a fairytale, the lyrics of the song that's currently playing being my life story script. I feel tired, tired, tired. I'm sorry for all the crap, I don't know what it is. But I just felt like saying it. Hm, why has it be this way, why can't things we want just happen? You had that charm, but following it, would be wrong. Well Mr Stranger, you're so perfect. Almost perfect, sigh~

I need some strength, strength.
Anyways, Paramore's really coming. Money please come to me, please.
Can't wait for the day.

hey bby, it's your birthday!

2009-12-18T13:04:00.000-08:00

Singing~
Happy Birthday To You, Happy Birthday To You,
Happy Birthday To Jamie, Happy Birthday To You~~~~~~~~~

Firstly, Happy 2oth Birthday Bitch. I'm really glad we found each other, and became friends. Despite everything, we still stayed strong. Never letting anyone bring us down, all of us, gone through all the bitter/sweet moments together. I'll treasure that, and I'm thankful I found you three monkeys. HEHEHE, okay don't kill me. Yesterday was awesome! Told you, we will make you laugh and smile no matter what it takes. Have a safe flight to Australia(&ofcz safe flight back when you're coming back to SG), okay this part, I HATE YOU, am sooo jealous I can't go Australiaaaaaaaaaa. See you next year? Waaaaa, so long. Don't miss me too much.

Okay, I'm not a mushy person. Sorry, but you know, I love you. (NOT!) Haha, ok go figure la.

So anyways, since today, I'm not free. We decided to celebrate J's special day, in advance. Everything was a little rushing, but we got through it. At first, everyone was so quiet. I WAS SO ANGRY! HAHAHA, but their stupid faces cannot make me angry lah. So I nag la, hehehehe. Until we decided to play a particular game, introduced by the birthday girl. We spent hours and hours playing it, laughing till our stomach hurts. I swear, it's so fun. Took a lot of videos, maybe, just maybe, I'll post it up. (Okay, people are getting ready to kill me already). Hm, so G, had to go. We girls, decided to stay a lil while, but since it was all so silent again. And I was craving for something nice, we went to Coffee Bean, yummyyy~ Coffee Bean's mocha's the best, by that time, my tummy very happy. Can feel it jumping and spinning around, until my stomach pain. Lol, okay exaggerating. Headed home, went online, and slept. Simple yet enjoyable and memorable day :)

Right now, I'm so gonna complain about going to SSDC for practical. OMG, so boring keep going there three times a week~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When wanna get license, faster please~

You, do that thing you do... K, need to shit. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

“Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
- Albert Camus

skip if you hate complains.

2009-12-16T11:09:00.000-08:00

This post, is gonna be boring, trust me. Full of complains, but not a hate post. I'm just irritated, very irritated. M, is very unfair towards me. Everything that has to be done, it always have to be me. And all her sons, relax their fucking ass and enjoy playing games or do whatever that's so fucking retarded. They don't get scolding like, I do! She blame me things that's not been done, saying things that do hurt me, deeply. Even though, it isn't harsh to you when you listen to it. But, me, who have been trying to hard to ignore all the harsh words for so long, it feels like, I'm just a piece of rubbish. Yes, I know, it's a girl's job. But what harm does it make, if a guy does chores too? It's not a sin, but, it's a good thing right. I don't get this fucking narrow minded world, whenever I complain to her, she'll keep repeating this old line, "just be patient lah, we're girls what. it's our job, what to do." What to do you say? Why not, start pestering your sons to wake up damn early just to help you cook when you're hungry, wake them up early in the morning, just to do house chores. It's painful, looking at them, so relaxed, while I'm doing every fucking thing alone. To be more generous, I'm always asked to do more than what I'm supposed to do. I know, you're injured, sick. But c'mon, you put it in a way that I'm a maid to you. Okay, I know, I'm thinking too much. But M, I am tired. People get tired, when you treat them unfairly. Anyways, after any of you readers read this, seriously. I do not need comments about it, I'm tired. Exhausted, just do me a favor. CHEER ME UPPP!

"It's like, you left me alone in the cold, in the dark alley,
And you walk away with them, never looking back,
You gave me the cold stare, ignoring how I feel. All you think about, is yours"

Go ahead and laugh at me, I know right, I'm too sensitive.

2009-12-15T12:01:00.000-08:00

“Sometimes I wish I were a kid again; skinned knees are a lot easier to fix than a broken heart.”

Currently feeling very restless, okay lah I admit, I'm feeling very lazy. Lazy to even do a thing, including small movements. But typing and moving my hands to click is well, something you have to do when you're on the computer right. So, that's excluded. I'm not lazy hehe. Tuesday, that means there's practical. I'm so damn lazy to even bathe! Help me someone? Lol. So, I'm updating cz apparently, someone said I haven't updated my blog in a while! Right Ezzati? HAHAHA, I am now babe! Hope you can figure out how to comment soon tau, looking forward to see what you're gonna comment, lol. Okay, please don't kill me after you read this k makcik?

My life, is the most boring-est ones in the whole wide world,I can promise you that! Been rotting at home, going through and fro to Yio Chu Kang. Maybe, a couple of outings. December, no school,I'm broke. No allowance, no money. How to go out, you tell me? Okay, that's crap.

Anyways, I really think I should stop. Before I start talking bullshit. Atleast, it's not dead right? Hahaha, have a great day ahead! :)

miss,miss,miss.

2009-12-11T18:40:00.000-08:00

"du gör mig vacker och du förvåna mig ..
Jag önskar vi hör ihop, whoa Jag måste vara galen."

Cén fáth go mbraitheann an mbealach seo ag duine mícheart, cén fáth?
I wish, but nothing can be done.

2009-12-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

"I need something,
something that could put away all that I'm feeling
it's hurting me, slowly
the pain is enough to kill me softly"

My heart, it aches.
Maybe, I'm imagining too much.
I need to get rid of this.
Cz, I can no longer stand it.
I need happiness, why did I even think that it would happen?
What's with me, I feel so fucked up.
Fucking shit.

Sorry, but won't be answering questions about this post.
It's just for me to know, I guess.
This is too embarrassing.
shrugs

just want you to know.

2009-12-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

"I saw you today, you look like how you always do.
Your cute smile wasn't there but it's okay,
just yourself, made my day."

I think I lost my fucking IC, gonna search for it again. And I really hope, this time I will find it. If not, goodbye 100bucks just like that~ Hm, practical was alright, but a little stuck up. Did a lot of mistakes. Okay, must be very boring eh, always talking about practical lol. But, it's part of my life! Anyways, saw a friend there. Pretty like always lor that girl, hope to see you again soon eh. Okay, like as if she reads my blog haha.

I really have nothing to say actually. But, I can't wait for tomorrow's chalet. Food, oh no. Oh yes, did I mention I gained 3 fucking KG! My God, this can't be happening I tell you. Shall do something about it. Please, don't eat too much tomorrow. And, on the other note, Mummy get well soon please. I got 2 shirts yaaaayyyyyy.

2009-12-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

"oh yes, your such a gentleman.
your kindness is enough to attract,
i wish i was someone important.
and your cute dimples are just a bonus, to me, that is.
but then again, at the end of the day,
i'm just a girl who loves to dream
and you exist in my imaginary world"

I'm so exhausted!!! Mentally and physically exhausted. Told you, I hate waking up early. But, today I didn't get my afternoon nap, right now, I might just fall asleep any second. Trust me! Shall sleep early today, since my favorite show's channel decided to stop working. Please be fixed soon! Anyways, went for revision in the morning, and it was wasted. Cz, most of the time, I wasn't paying attention at all. The test paper was manageable. The heart ache was, I let 8 marks go just like that~ I hope I pass though, boarder line is good enough! Now, what I need to think of is, what to do during my long holidays? I plan to work as a part timer, but where? I feel like continuing school because with what I have now is insufficient for the future.

I. need. rest. Bye for now.

blue sky blue nails, blue eyes.....

2009-11-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

Guess, what Dad said was true. I can't wait for my next practical lesson already.
I miss steering and holding the steering wheel. Miss saying "oh shit!" infront of my instructor.
So excited all of a sudden.

Anyways just came back from Northpoint slash Chong Pang with little brother to find a sandal.
Kinda hate but it's okay lah. I really need the VANS, but it's okay. Shall save up, can't wait!
Hm, yesterday Hari Raya Haji was nice. Meeting all my relatives, did a lot of catching up with some of them. Learned a few things, and well that's all. Since M's sick, it's been so tiring. Having to wake up early.. Sucks, I hate waking up early. Oh nevermind, happy thoughts! Oh, just bought a new blue nail polish again (M's so gonna kill me sooner or later) and I'm loving it. The shade of blue I'm finding. Don't know why I'm digging blue nail polish these few days. So pretty! With the metallic effect, drop dead gorgeous. Right now, I'm aiming for nude colors, hm pretty.

Can't wait for tomorrow, meeting my laughing gas. Been a few days, it's so gonna be boring eh not meeting all of you everyday since school has end. Going to actually, don't miss me too much and don't be so busy with work and all. Till you have no time to meet up, REMEMBER THAT. Haha, okay lah. Expo here I come~ HEHEHEHE take care.

2009-11-27T19:04:00.000-08:00

(via Tattoos and Cupcakes)

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
FUCKFUCKFUCK
FUCKFUCK
FUCK
-_-

Feeling so fucked up, on the verge of breaking down. I don't know what to think or even say. I don't understand why sometimes you just bring me down with your harsh comments and tone. It hurts so much when I hear the sarcasm, you just make me feel like as if I'm the ugliest girl in the whole wide world. I admit, I'm sensitive when it comes to certain things, especially when it comes from you. Never have I feel so pretty like how I feel I am. I do not understand why, why is this even happening? All I know is, I want to turn back time. Please, just one time. Sigh, I wish it will be as per normal after sometime. Grow pretty please, not messy.

Ahhhhhhhh cibai, okay happy thoughts happy thoughts! Breathe in and out, hmmmmmmm..... AH CIBAI AH!

skin me.

2009-11-26T16:41:00.000-08:00

"Help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before,
Hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is, there is no one else to blame"

Once again, it feels like the world in crashing down leaving no more space to breathe. No one was there to help, I regret, regret. Hm, anyways, M's sick/injured. Skipped school to take care of her, and help her manage the house/food. I'm a little nervous about cooking for dinner, cause I seriously don't know how to estimate how much to put this and that, but I really hope it will turn out delicious. Starting to feel hungry, and oh, these few days I've been eating so much sweets. It kinda frightens me, cz I don't want anything bad to happen to my teeth or gums(is that how you spell it?). I really hope she get well soon though, and tomorrow's Hari Raya Haji. Why oh Why? Please, please, 5 December, happen please!

Had practical yesterday, glad that the engine didn't stall! Did slopes, and my leg was sooo painful due to clutching in too many times for a long period of time but it's okay. It's so dull right now, lil brother's webcamming and being annoying. M's asleep, I'm so bored like that got nothing to do. All I feel is, fucked up. I hate last minute information, go to hell man fuckers, seriously.

Weight, why can't you just fuck off from my fucking life? Fuck everything.
And selamat hari raya haji to all muslims :)

2009-11-24T04:23:00.003-08:00

Everything is loading, ridiculously slow. I'm losing my patience, and all I want is to sleep and wake up feeling fresh in the morning. But, I really don't want to miss my favorite TV show. So tired, shoulders aching. First time for the month of Nov, it was shining brightly in the afternoon all the way to evening. Right? Can't quite recall, to be honest. But, all I know, right now, it's cold.

Been sometimes, since us, family go for a holiday. Really wish Mum would plan a short trip to anywhere in the month of December, but looking at the situation we are in right now, I guess. I'm gonna rot at home! Anyways, practical wasn't one of my best performance. Engine stalled a couple of times, and there was one particular incident which was so painful to even think about it. Almost died of embarrassment. Was greeted with a stranger, a new fixed instructor. A young one, well, he was quite alright. Only that, it felt uncomfortable in beginning but manage to overcome the feeling. Sounds wrong, whatever.. It might be him again tomorrow, good luck for tomorrow Shikin. Do better please.

To be honest, I can't wait to finally be a qualified driver, a real license. But, yes, things takes time. I shall try to be more patient, and do better every lesson. Yes, I can do it. God willing. I kinda miss cam whoring. I have no picture, NO PICTURE OF MYSELF, to even put up. Very pathetic. No use having a camera like that. Hmmmmm~

I need to remove my make up, before Mr pimple decides to appear. Gdnight.

2009-11-21T22:40:00.000-08:00

(via fuckyeahskinnybitch)

My little brother is a fucking idiot asshole, fucking make me lost my fucking mood.
Breathe in and out,ugh fuck. This post might take a while, perhaps an hour.

Ahh, anyways today is really boring. These few days I feel like a pig. Been eating, even after eight. And, eating non-stop. This is seriously unhealthy and I should stop the habit before it gets worst. I hate being fat, I wanna be skinny. I feel so insecure about everything. It's so uncomfortable being me, trust me. It hurts being like this, even though sometimes I just laugh it off. But feelings, do get in the way.

Stopped the daily jogging routine, because I freaking skipped a day or two and it just got dragged. And here I am every night, ditching it. Besides, Nov has been a rainy month. Cold, cold, cold is all I can think of. Running at night, isn't good either. But, it's better than nothing right. Better than having to wake 5am and jog. Bath, get ready and be tired in school. Hate being restless. Cuz, sometimes I hate being irritating. Laugh all you want B's, but it's true. I get annoyed with myself sometimes, but it's fun most of the time. Lol.

Anyways, Shannon's birthday party's around the corner. And I've yet gotten anything for myself to wear. This sucks, left with twenty bucks because I spent on food again and a magazine when I went to the shop earlier. HATE GOING TO THE SHOP! Tend to spend my money like as if it's not important in my life.

Need. and. desperate. to. lose. ALOT. of weight. Help me someone? Ugh.
Watching 1 litre of tears for the second time, still so sad like the first time ):

Need to earn some bucks, HOW HOW HOW!
Perhaps I really need a job.

2009-11-16T16:07:00.000-08:00

Cold.

Skipped school, and I'm pretty bored. Had a talk with Mum yesterday about what to work as in the future, and most of the things I explained to her aren't work that's stable. To be honest, I was freaking out when I told her and imagining the situations. Because, maybe, I was hoping too much on her business dream? I don't know.. I can't think of any particular line that really interest me to death! I've been fickle minded for my whole life! It sucks so bad, no kidding. I thought, not thinking of what I wanted to be could wait. But no, I was wrong. I was wrong for not thinking from small what I wanted to be when I grow up,and I ended up being so lost now. School's gonna end, in a few days, I'm not even sure if I could answer the questions in the exam paper. Thinking about it, feels like my life's tumbling down.

I didn't know it could be this hard, very hard.. I'm only an N/level slash soon to be Nitec cert holder. What could I possibly work ask? With that, even people who have diploma have difficulties.

Shrugs.

Anyways, I am dying, cash is running low. Need to purchase stuffs! Need a job, but can't soon): I really need to lose weight, c'mon Shkn. You can do it.

I am thinking of getting a monroe or an eyebrow pierce. Should I or not?
Ugh.

I wanna go for a holiday!!!!!!! And blogger's beginning to be a Bitch. Yes, BITCH.

first try

2009-11-10T21:37:00.000-08:00

Having a very bad headache, maybe because I slept at the most uncomfortable place ever! My neck's strained. Leg slightly cramp, shoulders in pain. I need a massage at my neck, I can feel like beating and going up straight to my brains. My right side of the brain is painful. And I need to stop complaining.

School was as usual, boring. Ended @ 12PM. Headed home, had a very short nap cause I was afraid I couldn't wake up in time. Body ache, sucks.

Went SSDC, first practical was not so fun. Had to go around the circuit for two freaking hours. I am tired, shall sleep early today. Gdnight loves. xoxo.

2009-11-09T01:47:00.000-08:00

♠A's `14days. To be free, and its a relief! says:
why never go out buy juz nw?
Shikin. says:
too pain to go out?
♠A's `14days. To be free, and its a relief! says:
ya la.. u in pain then u can forgot to buy?
Shikin. says:
lol cz i ate panadol extra alrd.
then nvr work seh,then pain pain pain
forget alrd
♠A's `14days. To be free, and its a relief! says:
extra means what?
then must eat double extra.
Shikin. says:
ur head!!!
hahahaha
im so gonna blog tt.
♠A's `14days. To be free, and its a relief! says:
blog what?
Shikin. says:
what u just said HAHAHAHA cute sia u
haiyooo ah girl
♠A's `14days. To be free, and its a relief! says:
LOLS! idiot la i dun know about panadol right. i dun eat panadol one what..
-.-

HEHEHE, i love you silly girl.
dont angry, you know u love me.
-winks-

2009-11-07T01:38:00.000-08:00

"Close your eyes and listen to the voices that's trying to reach you.

Set the ego aside and stop denying, because you've been ignorant for too long.
Let your body move along with the sways of the wind, and set it free.
The fear, the anger is long gone, so stop holding it back and wake up from the deep sleep/past.
Open your eyes, and witness the beauty of the light that will blind you from all the darkness within you. Now hold my hand, and let me help you walk through this empty streets.
You are not alone, never alone. As these street lights brightens our path way home, think back of your happiness and those happy moments. Forget those depressed times for i am here with you now. For you, I will make this all worth while."

i will survive.

2009-11-05T23:41:00.000-08:00

Thursday, it's a very cold day. My bones begins to ache slowly, whenever I make any kind of small movements. Was awaken by some kind of dim lights and small voices. Eyes opens slowly and the word damn it was the first thing that was in my mind. Because I fell asleep with the television was still on, my controller was dead. So, I had to wake up and off it manually. That sucks, and it was four-forty five in the morning and knowing I had only two hours left to sleep, was very stressful. Because I know, I would end up being lazy. But, guess what, I was wrong. Was a little fresh, but I feel so unhealthy. Thanks to my lazy self, and the not so good weather these days. I've been skipping my daily jogs. Kinda sucks, cause my almost flat stomach is beginning to form into a big zero, once again. Right now, I wanna smile and laugh like an idiotic barbarian. But, the cold is getting the best of me. My joints are beginning to hurt, I feel numb and empty inside.

Oh, I hate waking up early in the morning. Because everyday, I have this feeling, I feel so empty. Like a big hole in me (like there's no organs, and feels like breathing in a huge hole in me), half dead walking with a face that just feel like slapping, music blasting in my ears feels like someone's trying to help me snap out of it, I'm breathing for oxygen cz that's the only way to live and I feel so dead. I hate that, a lot. I don't know if that make sense.

Sigh, maybe someday. Life would turn up great.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day, I need the thickest jacket ever, right now.
Too lazy to move and take my jacket. -shrugs-

"I feel there's a mask on my face, trying to turn into someone I'm always am afraid of becoming.. Is this bad?"

2009-10-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

"Friends come and go, but will YOU stay? I asked."

I do not have a lot of friends, because I realize it wasn't my thing to have too many friends cz eventually I tend to neglect them. I hate feeling guilty over things like that, so I stick to people who made me comfortable talking with them and who make me feel that I am me, myself. Cause, most of the time, I'm a very loud, rude(as I'm straight forward) and will do the most silliest thing just to irritated you. And, I'm sure a lot of people aren't comfortable going out with people like that, as they tend to feel shy? I don't know. Making friends is easy, I have to admit. But feeling comfortable, boy, that takes a lot of time! And honestly, I've sort of lost some friends who I am really comfortable with, of course I'm sad. But, perhaps, oh nevermind.

I'm sorry, don't know why I'm talking bout that. Anyways, these few days I've got lots of things in my head. Putting in into worlds? I suck at it, my english isn't good too. So, yah.

School was short, but staying back was a pain in the ass. Stayed back for nothing, did nothing!!! And when I had to leave, I found out we're suppose to hand in trailers, and we have not started. Great huh........... This is really killing me, slowly!

My muscles are strained, I am gonna fainting. God.

Haha, my post are so over! Tsk!
&I WANNA WORK LA, SIGH >.<

2009-10-29T23:49:00.000-07:00

"Love. It doesn't have an expiry date" -ch5.

Body's screaming for help, I'm in need of a body massage. I really hope, I feel fresh tomorrow and no body ache everywhere. I'm hungry, hungry and hungry. But perhaps, I shall sacrifice, for the sake of wanting to be skinny and pretty (HAHA!) All the fats, really have to go. Yes, I know, I should have figured that out a long time ago. But oh well, I'm doing it now ain't I? And I really hope, this time I'd do it, like really do it and lose weight. My neck hurts :/

There's a class test tomorrow, and I'm not studying. This shows, I'm not serious about school and this is my freaking last year! Yes, I've lost interest in it. And this is not helping me, one bit about my future. I am very worried, but at the same time I'm not doing my part. Just taking it lightly, when I know at the end of the day, I'm the one who loses out. Is that the word? Ahh fuck care. I really don't know what I wanna do in the future, I can't possibly ask my parents for allowance when I'm 20 right? I don't even know where to start, perhaps I shall make myself sit alone and think about it. I can't wait for school to finally end, but at the same time. I'd miss, meeting B's everyday, debating about stupid things. Doing the silliest thing ever, and laugh like we own the world. Aw, I'm so so gonna miss you three.

Mummy has been in a bad mood these days, she just refuse to speak. This is really unusual. Granny's at my auntie's place taking care of a lil nephew of mine. She's home only on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The house's very quite without her, and I miss her.. Anyways, in the afternoon watched Kat Von D, and some of her mates doing tattoo for their customers. It's so cool, awesome work! Love love it. Too bad, I can't have one eh. But it's okay :)

Can't wait for weekends, can't wait for Friday to end. Gdnight lovelies.

lost.

2009-10-25T00:37:00.000-07:00

“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love,
the things you are, the things you never want to lose.”
-Kevin Arnold

Life's like a hourglass glued to a table, time never stops and life goes on.. I have to admit, I am afraid of the future. Waking up in the morning, hurts knowing that you have to go through another day of life and end up wasting it. Whenever I go to school, and it comes to studying. I always tell myself, "it's okay to not pay attention today, because there's always tomorrow" and it never goes away, at all. The more I force myself, the more torture myself with that sentence, no point regretting cz I've choose that path. Now, it's like my own kind of drug. I'm so used to it, I am just scared to change it because I'm afraid things get wrong. All I can think of is, easy way out from difficulties. Yes, I am a loser. I have no dreams that others have, I do not have faith in myself which I'm supposed to have. I do not have a future, or do I? It sucks being me, really. Life in Hollywood, looks so easy eh? Big bucks, easy job. How lucky, I am so jealous.. They're enjoying every moment of it(I think), and here I am struggling with everything. Hmm..

I love thinking about my future, but I am always thinking negative. Ahh nevermind, whatever it is, right now I am loving life. Ok honestly, not really. I've been doing nothing for months and still counting. All I do is, go to school, go home. Chat with a couple of people I am close and comfortable with plus look at things that isn't important. Well, take is as if I figured out I'm not good at making and meeting new friends.

Anyways, I need a job to shop. But my schedule's tight due to some reason(s). I want or rather need a holiday which means, going somewhere out of SG. Part of me is looking forward for graduating, but part of me don't want it to end because that pretty well means I have to think about the future. Things like, what do I wanna do in the future, what kind of work/line I wanna do? People have been asking questions like "so where you going after this?" and I just get speechless every time people stare into my eyes and waits for my answer. It hurts, yes it does. And being fickle minded isn't fun, and it only makes me feel worst about everything. Cz, it's like I am so clueless and lost about what I want. SIGH! So kids, study now before you regret. K perhaps I'm thinking too much and I think I'll post another day, Im beginning to get a headache -shrugs-

Nights.
& sorry for crapping.

2009-10-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

"I hate today, full stop."

Came back after school, ended up being locked out since I didn't bring my house keys which I have no idea where are they. I was so fucking pissed, wanted to stay outside till my Dad and lil bro comes home but I figured out that will be too draggy. So I went to my aunt's place where my granny is. And rest for a little while,Dad called, went home then since I was still angry from what happened and I just entered my room but I got bored and decided to watch "Braceface", old time favourite! School starts early tomorrow, might be staying back. How draggy can a day be man? I am so bored, gonna watch "Braceface" now, gdnight.

Mood: CRANKY.. z_z